Labor of love

This project, 6 months in the making, has been one of the most fun creative journeys.

Best breakfast

I'm sitting here watching home improvement shows while I eat one of my favorite breakfasts.
Fresh avocado with a little lemon juice, cottage cheese, and Greek yogurt with goodies.

I love my Poodle!

Catching up...sorta

Today and tomorrow are going to be my drop dead deadline to get all my details done for my taxes and send them off to my bff in California. I find that it is a very upfront portrail of what has happened in the past year. How the money comes and goes is very interesting to me, yet I look at stuff I didn't need to spend money on and wish I had thought that out better. Ah the past.

I have stressed over my new spreadsheet to record my material life so much that my sister in law has taken notice and keeps asking "is it done now"? I tell her not yet, as I tweak this column and add that formula. I guess I do love spreadsheets. I do wish I had a wee bit more knowledge of it, but then I wish that about all my computer programs.

I am not sure if I posted info or pictures of the Christmas present I was making for my little brother and his wife yet. I began it in October of last year and I am just now beginning to find the finish line on it. It has taken on a few changes, as the artist in me agonized over each element. A few things completely changed after I painted them, and a new portion began. It has been quite an undertaking, but probably one of the most satisfying project I have done in a long long time. Also while unemployed and living in the spare room of my sister and sister-in-law, a good diversion from my current unemployed circumstances. I have called it the BROTHERBANNER. I have even given it it's own hashtag.  #BROTHERBANNER (you can see more on my Instagram pages here: https://www.instagram.com/phawkinsbead/

So here is an update. I will go into more detail in the next blog post as to the how-to came about.

January 2, 2016- Good thought processes

Good morning Tuesday!   I woke up like this morning with gratitude and freshness. I am pretty happy about that. 

On New Years Eve, we went to Delmonico's for dinner, an early 4pm dinner. It was perfect!  The dinner was awesome as well. I mean come on, it was Delmonico's! The steak was the size you might use for a family pot roast so I only ate 1/4 of it. Had a lovely glass of Riesling and skipped desert. 
Then we came home, fed the girls and then headed off to the bowling alley. The local Bowl-a-roll does a New Years eve thing where you have a 2 hour span, you get a lane, shoes and unlimited bowling for the 2 hours. You can also bring your own food. So we went bowling!

Now let me back up a little.......the day before me and my sis went to Bowlers World and had our current old bowling balls looked at and re-measured to our now older (fatter) fingers. hahah After they redrilled them, they had a little bitty 3 foot bowling alley in the back that you leaned over and bowled with it to test the fit. Pretty neat. 

So long story short we had a blast. I only was able to bowl 2 games. Between my left knee pain, and my foot pain, it got worse and worse. I was in an awful mess. Shot about 4 good shots and that was it. The rest of the game was just ....well disappointing. 
Its funny, people are saying how good they were at bowling, or they used to bowl well, or whatever, and I bit my tongue and did not say I used to bowl so good I was on TV. Yup. TV.  I want that body back!!!!!  My body was completely against me. Older, heavier, swollen, painful and broken. Again these are things to change. 

I was in so much pain on the first day of the year that I did very little. I could hardly walk. I may not be able to bowl much right away, but by the end of this year, I hope to do it a lot! I think a fall bowling league position will be my goal!

I also did not journal on the first day of 2016. I used that day to just relax my body, but also to relax my mind. I fixed breakfast/brunch for us and then we watched two movies. The first made me feel like a terrible mom and the second was minions. hahahah

Today's journal is this. I plan to make little journals for a bunch of my friends and mail them off. I made an elaborate one for my friend in California, and that made me think that a smaller version of it would be lovely for a lot of other special people. So that is my activity for this weekend. 

I hope your new thoughts for 2016 are coming together for you!

With encouragement,
Spamulatte

p.s. Jan 1st was a no bra pajama day as well. I think I have a new tradition.

The big weight issue

I have been back here in Rochester now for about 3 months. 

The job prospects seem slim to none in a position that would pay something reasonable. Lots of jobs that I seemingly can not do physically. Heavy lifting, or on your feet all shift or some such physical traits that I dont have now. 

I have come to the conclusion that most of my problems or issues are all stemmed from one thing. My weight. 

1. My feet hurt and I have major plantar factitious = excess weight on the ankles and feet are a strain and burden. 
2. I can not fit into any of my clothes = too much weight
3. I can hardly find any new clothes that fit at all = too much weight
4. I can not get on my knees. I cant bend them well and its major pain if I try, and then I can not get up = too much weight around my knees and legs
5. My back and sciatica are in pain all the time now = too much weight
6. I can not apply for so many jobs that need a little physical strength or standing on my feet = too much weight
7. My health and blood pressure are BAD = too much weight.
8. Then there is the emotional biggie. I just plain feel ugly and awful all the time. Self esteem????  I got none. = too much weight to haul around. 

There are so many things I want to do or just cant do because my weight holds me back. How awful that this single thing, "my weight" holds me hostage 24 hours a day. Even in bed trying to sleep, I toss and turn and hurt all night. 

I want to be strong and fearless in gaining my life back, however it seems daunting. All the time. 

So today I change it. 
I just RSVP'd to three MeetUp group activities online. I went with S to Field and Stream and bought hiking boots. (I did try on some way cool workout pants that my S got J, but a size 22 and a 24 didnt even work. I stood there in the dressing room shaking my head. Unbelievable that not either one fit at all. Krikey!
S and me went to the bowling place and I took the (stock) ball that I bought when I lived in Dodgeville Wisconsin, and I had it drilled slightly to fit my now fatter fingers. I will be bowling on New Years Eve with S & J and after that I plan to try and get on a bowling league. I used to be so good at bowling. 
I signed up for a meet up group bowling activity later in January. I hope I can at least hit a pin or two by then. 

Moving.........and eating less and eating good. That is the plan. I even have a $20 version of a fitbit thing. I got it at the sporting good store. It works great for tracking steps and stuff. I have since looked at the real ones and have decided I want the big ass one. The one that tells you all stuff. (that way I wont have to wear a chest strap when I bike, or a watchy thing when I work out to track my heart rate and other stuff.)

S & J got me a dehydrator for Christmas too. I bought a mandolin today as well and will try to start making really healthy snacks. If I find some that really work, I will post them here. Wish me luck! hahah

So what are your plans for 2016? Mine are whirling in my head.......but less weight and a stronger body are my goals. Life change and beyond. 

Good luck,
Spamulatte

Overwhelmed = Crippling

Its pretty clear to me now that overwhelmed means crippling and standing still. Once it happens, it feels hard to move forward.

I have to really pay attention to things like lists. Once the first priorities are taken care of, don't let the "list" get lost among the papers and piles. I tend to let that happen.

Today, I am in the overwhelmed and confused state. Still job hunting, but finding nothing.

I also feel as if I have been dragging my worn out body around for the past 5 years or so, not knowing how to deal with all the old changes. Things that change but I have no idea how to deal with them. Weight, hair, feet, legs........all are completely different than before. It's as if someone came into my room at night and switched out my body for someone else's and just stuck my head on it. It hurts all over, I can hardly walk, and thinking straight is often a struggle.
I'm scared to death that this will be my future. I have to change it. Not sure how, but I must try or be doomed to live in this hurting aching shell forever?

Even as I sit here, I cant count on two hands how many aches and pains I have. Some so bad that walking more than 10 feet is excruciating!

We got my bike down in the basement yesterday. It's now up on the fluid trainer. My little step is there as well. I have to try to get on it every day. Get some sort of good feelings back. Maybe it will help with the sciatica that is also crippling. I will put a pic in here soon.

Thank you Mark for my fluid trainer........I will do my best to get on it every day now. Thank you!

Spamulatte

ps. I had to send a letter of sadness today. Meg asked me to come to the retreat. I was clearly thinking I could squeeze out the money to go, but I was fooling myself in thinking I could afford it. That makes me sad too. Oh well, next time maybe.