The big weight issue

I have been back here in Rochester now for about 3 months. 

The job prospects seem slim to none in a position that would pay something reasonable. Lots of jobs that I seemingly can not do physically. Heavy lifting, or on your feet all shift or some such physical traits that I dont have now. 

I have come to the conclusion that most of my problems or issues are all stemmed from one thing. My weight. 

1. My feet hurt and I have major plantar factitious = excess weight on the ankles and feet are a strain and burden. 
2. I can not fit into any of my clothes = too much weight
3. I can hardly find any new clothes that fit at all = too much weight
4. I can not get on my knees. I cant bend them well and its major pain if I try, and then I can not get up = too much weight around my knees and legs
5. My back and sciatica are in pain all the time now = too much weight
6. I can not apply for so many jobs that need a little physical strength or standing on my feet = too much weight
7. My health and blood pressure are BAD = too much weight.
8. Then there is the emotional biggie. I just plain feel ugly and awful all the time. Self esteem????  I got none. = too much weight to haul around. 

There are so many things I want to do or just cant do because my weight holds me back. How awful that this single thing, "my weight" holds me hostage 24 hours a day. Even in bed trying to sleep, I toss and turn and hurt all night. 

I want to be strong and fearless in gaining my life back, however it seems daunting. All the time. 

So today I change it. 
I just RSVP'd to three MeetUp group activities online. I went with S to Field and Stream and bought hiking boots. (I did try on some way cool workout pants that my S got J, but a size 22 and a 24 didnt even work. I stood there in the dressing room shaking my head. Unbelievable that not either one fit at all. Krikey!
S and me went to the bowling place and I took the (stock) ball that I bought when I lived in Dodgeville Wisconsin, and I had it drilled slightly to fit my now fatter fingers. I will be bowling on New Years Eve with S & J and after that I plan to try and get on a bowling league. I used to be so good at bowling. 
I signed up for a meet up group bowling activity later in January. I hope I can at least hit a pin or two by then. 

Moving.........and eating less and eating good. That is the plan. I even have a $20 version of a fitbit thing. I got it at the sporting good store. It works great for tracking steps and stuff. I have since looked at the real ones and have decided I want the big ass one. The one that tells you all stuff. (that way I wont have to wear a chest strap when I bike, or a watchy thing when I work out to track my heart rate and other stuff.)

S & J got me a dehydrator for Christmas too. I bought a mandolin today as well and will try to start making really healthy snacks. If I find some that really work, I will post them here. Wish me luck! hahah

So what are your plans for 2016? Mine are whirling in my head.......but less weight and a stronger body are my goals. Life change and beyond. 

Good luck,
Spamulatte

Overwhelmed = Crippling

Its pretty clear to me now that overwhelmed means crippling and standing still. Once it happens, it feels hard to move forward.

I have to really pay attention to things like lists. Once the first priorities are taken care of, don't let the "list" get lost among the papers and piles. I tend to let that happen.

Today, I am in the overwhelmed and confused state. Still job hunting, but finding nothing.

I also feel as if I have been dragging my worn out body around for the past 5 years or so, not knowing how to deal with all the old changes. Things that change but I have no idea how to deal with them. Weight, hair, feet, legs........all are completely different than before. It's as if someone came into my room at night and switched out my body for someone else's and just stuck my head on it. It hurts all over, I can hardly walk, and thinking straight is often a struggle.
I'm scared to death that this will be my future. I have to change it. Not sure how, but I must try or be doomed to live in this hurting aching shell forever?

Even as I sit here, I cant count on two hands how many aches and pains I have. Some so bad that walking more than 10 feet is excruciating!

We got my bike down in the basement yesterday. It's now up on the fluid trainer. My little step is there as well. I have to try to get on it every day. Get some sort of good feelings back. Maybe it will help with the sciatica that is also crippling. I will put a pic in here soon.

Thank you Mark for my fluid trainer........I will do my best to get on it every day now. Thank you!

Spamulatte

ps. I had to send a letter of sadness today. Meg asked me to come to the retreat. I was clearly thinking I could squeeze out the money to go, but I was fooling myself in thinking I could afford it. That makes me sad too. Oh well, next time maybe.

Yard sale leftovers

Well it has been a week since the yard sale. I still have things left over in the garage. Furniture that didn't sell, some high ticket items and a few boxes of little stuff.
The day after the yard sale, I tried calling places to donate stuff and it was clear that it was very hard to get rid of it all! No one wanted the books and the rest of it - well they would come get it if it was "worthy".
All the little stuff that did not sell I had to bag up and take to the dump. So sad. No one wanted it.

I had a ton of books left. And I could not fathom taking them to the trash. So I put them all in the van and I drove 400 miles round trip to Naomi at her work and gave them all to her. She might be able to sell some. It was worth it. If for nothing else but to honor the books. 

I am focusing on all the paper in my life right now. Till the rest of the yard sale stuff is gone it seems to still be crippling to me to work on regular stuff. The empty garage is full again. It makes me feel like I didn't get rid of anything! However the bigger things being gone is good. I can feel part of that positive energy happening.  

It's sorta funny...a woman walked up and asked if I had a toaster for sale. I said YES! Just give me a min. I walked in the house and emptied the crumbs out of my toaster and then went out and gave it to her. Free. As odd as this will sound it felt amazing!

The van is now full of all the antiques I could gather. Gonna try to take to the auction house today. Try. I feel so attached to those things. So hard to get rid if them. But in the long run it will be good.

I want the things I keep make me happy, not hold me in emotional bondage. 

Here's to freedom!
Spamulatte

Phase 1 complete

This past weekend I had a yard sale. My bestie from Napa came up with her boxer puppy and helped me for 4 days.
My wonderful other bestie neighbor helped me too. Both of them took 3 vacation days to help. I'm so blessed.

I have been sorting and purging and gathering stuff for 3 weeks. I am exhausted beyond belief too. This is not only hard on the emotions but Damn hard on the body as well.

It was tough to watch people who had no attachment to my things at all go through them. It's odd to watch people pick up things...look them over....and put it back down like it was a head of lettuce at the grocery store. All they were doing was evaluating if they could fit it in their lives or not. Oh and how little they could pay for it.

I confess I know this because I have done the same thing.

Today I am so tired I could just fall over. Now there is a lot of stuff left but I have said goodbye to it all so I started calling places to donate it all. That in itself left me shaking my head at humanity. What each place would take and in specific condition was mind boggling. To be honest they wouldn't take much at all.
So a trip to the dump for most of the little things and all the big stuff is back in my garage. Uugghh

On the good side I made enough money to pay my expenses till Sept 30. Not my rent though. Still it's good.

Do I?

I opened boxes yesterday that were filled with so much random camera stuff. And the odd things that get tossed in boxes when they are all most full but still have little nooks and empty spaces to fill. God forbid you simply put packing paper or bubble wrap in there.......no must find random shit to throw in there. Ugh

I am just as guilty of this as anyone. However this time it's just me unpacking my life and re-packing it.

 It is a Rollercoaster of emotions every single day. Love, hate, joy, appreciation, regret, remembering, guilt, fun and ultimately purging decisions. So hard to do. 

It's even harder when I pull something out and try to deside what emotions are attached to this item? Everythimg I put something in the garage sale pile it's one more crippling chain being cut. 
It's all about letting to and letting God lead me.

Spamulatte

Little desires

I just finished church. Again I am floored at how every word in the sermon is exactly what I needed to hear. It's extraordinary.
I had some newspaper stuff and saw the bed bath and beyond ad and thought I would take a look. (I look at it to see what's popular now. I think it's from so many years of staying on top of the trends for my work.)
I open the page and see Le Creuset  and think I have that pan! Then today I see a Le Creuset  griddle?!  WHAT?  Oh yeah I wanted it bad right then and there. Yup. Makes me want to purge harder to have room to buy one. Hahaha
Ok so today back in the garage. I made one huge mess in there yest. Now to coral it.
That seems to be my MO and best work flow.......pull it all out......move it around and then go do something else till the next day THEN sort it. Hey its working, that is all I care.

Have a super blessed day
Spamulatte

More crap

How much crap can one person have?
Even I am amazed at how many of the same item I have....in 15 different places.

Spamulate

Goodbye old friends

The great purge has really begun. I am loading the beedo with every antique that I can bare to let go of.
The big old trunk is top of the list. I'm not happy that I must do this but I am proud of myself for simply being brave. At least that is what I keep telling myself.
It's a brave thing your doing....listening to God and getting rid of all the extra. The things you really do know in my heart of hearts that I will most likely never touch again or revisit.
The tole painting will be the hardest to cull I think.
Goodbye old friend Mr. Trunk. You have kept me company for many years. May you do the same for someone else in the future.

That's all I got.
Spamulatte